In Luv Against My Will

I miss you in the small hours of the morning
When I'm awake
You're a constant actor in my dreams
Playing the gallant Knight
In my rarity of sleep
I miss you in good moments
When I want to tell someone about it
When I want to go on and on
And laugh over it
I miss you in crisis
Your arms no longer the strength
To keep the world at bay
Your low whispers aren't here to soothe me
And I must face it all on my own
I miss you when I'm in a crowded room
Or out on the beach by myself
Or at work
Or at home
I miss you against my will
Against every rationality I have
And it never seems to get any easier
The intensity doesn't die
You're still the only one holding my heart
And I can't seem to push you out

The Rabbit Hole

I sit here, wanting to be past you
Wanting to be able to let you go
Desperately wanting to end the tears
Dispel the anger
Push out the pain
Get past the fear
And live again...
But your ghost lives here
In this hollow person I've become
You haunt these halls of my heart
The corridors have grown cold
The walls hard as stone...
These days, no one can get in
Because you're in my head
So deep under my skin
I feel trapped at the mere talk
Of being with anyone
Because I'm so afraid of getting hurt
The words "I'm different" fall on deaf ears
No one else can hold me, kiss me
Without you clouding my vision
Without so many memories hitting me at once
I'm Alice, and I've fallen down the rabbit hole...
And there's no exit in sight

She Can't Be Me

Who are you?
You seem familiar but
My mind can't place you
That smile
That laugh...
Where did you come from?
Who is this girl
I see in the mirror?
We favor, she and I
The same lazy right eye
And the scar next to the left...
Those eyes are so full of hope
So full of promise...
Mine, they scream dull
So many more scars, I bear
She is unscathed
Resembles nothing of
What I've become
Shows no wear
From the years now past
She sees nothing of the future
Only hopes things will be okay
She knows nothing
Nothing of the heartache she'll face
That's not me in the mirror
Did I ever exude such hopes?
Did I ever believe in love?
Was I ever that happy?
That's wrong...she can't be me

Not Again

As the rest of the world sleeps..
Here I am, awake..
So many thoughts running
Rampant inside my head..
So much reality that's been
Shoved into my face at once..
I don't live in Neverland..
I don't live in a fantasy world..
Trusting is the task of embiciles..
Love is the disease
That preys on the soft-hearted..
It turns us into fools..
Makes us blind..
To do either one,
To allow anyone that close..
Would be the ultimate
Trip into oblivion,
Into utter stupidity..
I'm a student to the pain
Of doing otherwise..
But with each wound inflicted,
My heart becomes harder..
The stone is strengthened..
Eventually, no one will be
Able to hurt me again..

Dragons & Dreams

Today has definitely not been a walk in the park. There's been alot of crying, alot of nay-saying & regret. But tonight, while I had nothing to do at work, I stayed busy working on this. I worked so hard on it & it makes me feel very accomplished to have drawn this.

It made it better to do something that combined several of my loves; Japanesse Kanji, Chinese Art, & my love of anything Oriental. I feel less depressed, a little less lonely. For now, I'll take that small step towards being okay again.

The quote at the bottom: "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." && that's very true. I must remember that.

Stupid F'n Singles Day

I just don't know how to feel. Tomorrow is Valentines & of course, I'm alone. I want a new tattoo but $$$ is too tight for that. I'm snowed in in Harrison, & I just want to get home to my bed. This is too painful to deal with. I'm hoping that this stupid holiday will hurry up & be over with, so I can say I SURVIVED! But for tonight, I'm not sure I will.

If only bars could be

Placed on my heart

If only...

If only...

Wishful thinking

Wishful thinking

If only memories

Could be locked away

If only there was a key

To seal it all off

If only...

If only...

Wishful thinking

Wishful thinking

Bittersweet

Spent the day in Harrison, Arkansas, last Monday. Visited with a work friend and her daughter for the day. We walked around the Lake Harrison Park, and I figured that I'd post my favorites. :)

I had climbed down to take a picture of the water rushing from the pipes into the creek. Of course, Gwen would take the picture without me really being aware.

That would be me & Allie having a blast on the spinny-around thingy. :) I felt like such a little kid & it was awesome.

Allie is 16. She's an absolute gem. Spending the day with her gave me a sort of bittersweet peace. I imagine she & Alexa would have been a lot alike. It gave me a taste of what it would have been like to spend a day with both Alexa & Clay, just showing them things, loving on them.