&& then it's over

May 15, I got the amazing news that I was finally pregnant. The fact that my HcG levels finally rose high enough to be read on a home test was a miracle.
Now here I sit, 3 weeks later, and my baby is no longer with me. I want to yell to the skies, asking why. But I know there will be no answer, there is no one there. I guess I was too excited, too cocky that this just had to go right because everything else in my life had crashed & burned. I just don't know how to deal with yet another crisis, another miscarriage. It seems like my life is just destined to keep spiraling downward & I can't seem to get a foothold to stop it.

Life happened

Ever had something everyone said would never happen, that you'd be lucky to ever have? Well, getting this positive at-home test was mine. With both previous pregnancies, I didn't know I was pregnant until it was over. I'm still in danger of miscarrying this one, but I'm thankful for the chance I was told I'd never have.
There's so much I'm afraid to hope for, afraid to plan for, but I'm still so excited I can't barely stand it. Could it be that after all the pain & sorrow life has handed me, that I could finally be heading towards some happy days?? It's almost too good to be true.

Obsessed with being okay

Like A Rock Star!

My escape when it all gets too much :)

Easter baskets we did for the kids :) I've gotten so into pictures

That would be Marley...he makes me miss my Jake so much

My Lizabeth

Nattie Paige :)

One of our adorable babies :) He's a demon awake, but I caught him in a sweet moment lol

Ryleigh :)

Thought this one turned out pretty good

The new pink streak ;) I'm gettin sexier everyday lol yea whatev but the new look makes me feel better

Blowing up things :)

So I've been back in LA for almost a month now. I wasn't in town for 48 hours before almost having my head blown off by explosive things in a box we threw on the fire :) O lord, yea. I totally should've looked in the box before throwing it on. LOL

Working on getting into some counseling. It's still a day-to-day struggle to keep myself positive, but I'm working on it.

Pin Cushions & Voodoo Dolls

This is #15. Love is just an excuse to get hurt, Life isn't a fairytale. Like the voodoo doll? It was done by a newbie tattoo artist before I left Missouri. I was happy to let her test out on me, & I was just dying for some ink. I think she did friggin amazing for it being her very FIRST tattoo!

Rehab

Today is one more day closer to my going back to Monroe. Sunday is my last day in Missouri/Arkansas. I'm going to miss the scenery, the hiking trails, the beauty of the land. But my alcoholism has taken over. I've tried for years to beat it on my own, to tame it. With my emotional triggers, it's been hard to stay sober for longer than several months in a four year span. It's just time I hand over control for a little while.

I'll be entering rehab soon, for a year-long treatment it's looking like. So, for my readers, few & far between, just cross your fingers. Say a few mantras & ask the Enlightened One for my healing. I'm going to beat this for good. I don't want to be dealing with all this emotional trauma for the rest of my life. I have 24 years of skeletons to work through. I'll stay writing for as long as I can, but it'll be short-lived. Sending out positive thoughts into the universe for all of you.