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Places

Tonight I posted on my Facebook, just listing all these places that I'm looking at apartments & jobs & land features & real estate offers, just so my friends could know kind've where I stand. I have really been thinking about San Francisco or Sonoma, Seattle, New York, Dallas, Houston, Charleston, Washington DC, and a few smaller places. Currently, San Francisco has my fascination. Of course, my lease isn't up until the end of the year, and my finances have got to majorly stabilize before I can make any major decisions. But I will prepared for it this time around.

Anyway, I had some comments saying I should come back to Gulf Shores. I realized in that moment, more clearly than I've ever seen it, that I might be a California girl raised in Louisiana but my heart/my home will always be on the Coast. Gulf Shores/Orange Beach/Foley/Silverhill will always be where home is. So many wonderful things happened in those winds, along with lots of bad, but I think that's still where I was supposed to be. If I had been a normal person, not killed myself with working 90+ hours a week, and just enjoyed life..I think I could have loved it from the beginning, and not just now come to the realization of what was staring me in the face all along.

It's funny how when you leave a place, you realize just how much everyone and everything you're leaving behind really meant. You realize how precious time is. And, regrettably, how much you wasted it.

It Will Be...

These past few weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotion, of fighting with myself, of trying to figure out where I go from here...& yet out of all that fighting with myself, the only conclusion I have come to is that I do not want to ever feel this way again. I never want to hurt like this, I never want to open up to anyone else ever again & allow them the tools to rip me apart. I've had the privelege of loving twice in my lifetime, and I believe those will suffice for an eternity & beyond.

Now, it is time for me to focus on myself. It's going to take me a long time to pull myself out of the hole of debt I've drowned myself in with all the changes I've had to make. But like always, I'll come out on top. Eventually, I will go to school, and have that Bachelors of Criminal Justice degree that I want so badly. I will own a house that only has my name on it, and a car that is completely paid for. I'll have a baby, even if I have to adopt, if it's ultimately proven that I will never carry to term. Of course, this last miscarriage was proof enough for me.

This next year is going to be hard. It's going to be an uphill climb. That's okay. I finally feel like I'm capable of fighting again. I won't allow myself to be weak again. It costs me too much, way too much. I'm better off without emotions complicating things, getting in the way. The year began with my humble promise that 2012 would be about me. Well, consider this the reiteration of that promise. No matter what, I'm going to be okay.

School is in ;)

So it seems I learn something new every day :)
I remember in High School when Whatley brought up the lesson that proved that it's actually sperm that determines whether you have a boy or girl :) i always thought it was funny to watch a chik-flik after that, watching a guy get bent outta shape because he wanted a boy hehe That'd be a time for good-natured ribbing that it was all up to him ;)
Well the new information came to me by the way of an article I came across online...during intercourse, men deposit like MILLIONS of sperm...those boy-making little swimmers only live about 24-36 hours...BUTTTT the girls can last or like another 48-72...so if you have sex just before ovulation, you're more likely to have a girl, depending on the timing ;) Priceless, albeit maybe a little TMI, but still pretty cool

The Bonds of Matrimony

You stand up in front of friends & family, facing this person that you are promising to love, to cherish, for time & all eternity. And you might wait a few months, maybe even years, but eventually you start testing boundaries, your limits. Why? Why would you want to run the risk of ruining a happy marriage to a woman you obviously love? Or say you are no longer happy, man or woman, why the hell would you not respect that other person enough to atleast secure a divorce first? At one time or another, you had to have loved them.
This post is an extension of a FB note I wrote a few years back about a man I was seeing and broke it off with, only to find out some time later that he had been married at the time. If I hadn't felt bad enough about it already, it came to light that I was not the only one he was seeing at one time. There were, in fact, 2 others besides his wife. That was not my proudest moment.
Recently, a new aquaintance asked if he could come over. I knew he was married, so I stipulated we could talk outside. Men and women often seek me out to talk, about relationship problems & just other things they have going on. He had never given me any reason to think he was less than honorable in his intentions. We sat outside and talked for a bit, but than he made a move. I shot him down, told he should be ashamed of himself.
Long story short, he used God to justify why he didn't cheat on his wife. When I know good and well if I hadn't backed away, he would have taken it further. He wouldn't have stopped if I'd had any less respect for myself, allowing myself to be 'the other woman'.
It just makes me sick. Because I said NO, he is going to attribute his not cheating to God intervening. That's bullshit. Can we not take responsibility for our own actions? And than what chaffed my ass even more over the whole thing was, after he'd left, he posts on his FB, saying how much he loves his wife & how she has God in her heart, when just 10 minutes earlier he was pretty much game to betray her. AHHHHHHH!!!!
Now, more than ever, I'm so glad I'm done with men.

Insomnia

I can't sleep. Too much running through my head. I'm sure everyone has nights like that when they just can't get comfy, can't seem to shut their brain down. I've had alot of it lately.
Tiger & Trouble don't help matters, chasing each other across me all night long. Wish I had some catnip to douse them with.
Trying to think of things I've never done before, that maybe I've been too scared to do, and than put them to paper. In the last 4 months, more or less, I've just documented them as they've come to me. But maybe I need to have a physical list. Not that I guess it matters all that much, because I really have nothing to prove to anyone but myself.
The quote from my earlier post "Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone", that quote just speaks on so many levels. It's like a teensy weensy Bob Barker steps out of my ear onto my shoulder and says this over and over. It's tough to hear sometimes, because I know I'd be so much more comfortable in that old mindset. I could stay wrapped in my little coccoon, and let the world pass me by. But I would never be happy. I wasn't always okay with that mindset, and I'm determined to never be again.
Life is way too short for me to sit here, waiting for the world to change. So it's become my new philosophy that since it won't change, it'll just have to accept me as I am or get the hell out of my way. I've always been a compassionate, loving, loyal person to a horrible fault. Those qualities are always my undoing, my death sentence. I don't believe it's in my best interest to allow that anymore. So I've drawn the line. No one crosses. I never want to feel such pain again. No regrets.
I'm so looking forward to the zipline next week. Everyone says it's a rush, and after the Barn Swing at Silver Dollar City, I'm sure I can face anything. :)

Thoughts

Why is it anyone's business how you dress? Or whether you have too many tattoos? Seems to me, if they don't know you personally, what the hell business is it to them? Even then, if they loved you, outside appearance & superficial things wouldn't matter, right?
As someone who has several tattoos, a few piercings, a sailor's mouth, & a less-than-conservative clothing assortment at times, I just don't see how it's anyone's business to judge another person.
I've been pregnant twice, though I wasn't married to either man..most in society would view that as taboo eventhough it happens every day. But who's to say it's taboo? Who's to say you MUST get married to live together? You can be just as committed to one another WITHOUT that ring. If neither of you think it's an issue, why should the outside world have a say?
It's just been on my mind alot lately, in light of the things that have happened in my life, that we allow the WORLD to govern our feelings on things way too much. I'm glad I'm growing a backbone & learning to say "Back the f*** off". If we could just listen to ourselves, our inner being, the world would be a much simpler place.