Last of Me

If you've never seen the movie Burlesque, with Cher and Christina Aguilera, you should. The blog title, Last of Me, is actually a song Cher solos in the movie. Her character is fighting to overcome great odds that are against her. She's told from all sides that she should just give up something that's near and dear to her, probably because the easiest road is the one most often taken.

" Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But there's just something so strong
Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I'll get up again
Don't count me out just yet

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

They can say that I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me
You don't know me
You don't know who I am
Don't count me out so fast

There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But I'll be standing tall again
Times are hard but I was built tough
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of"

This song is so much my life, atleast for the last 2 years, if not the entirety of it. Since just after Labor Day weekend 2011, my world has been one chaotic storm after another. Thankfully, part of that chaotic mess has brought me 17 months of sobriety, and though I wish I could have done it without such a slam in the face as my DWI has been, I can't complain. I have been emotionally, physically, and mentally destroyed in this journey, but I am learning to heal. I'm a survivor. I won't be counted out. I have to keep clawing my way to the next step.

Shrooms & puppy dog tails :-)

It has been a rocky few weeks, but I've survived. The good part in all of it is that I'm still sober. I didn't give in.

Life is when you stop being a victim, and start being a Survivor :)

No matter how lonely I get sometimes, Jake, Livvy, Marley, Tiger, Heath, TJ, Trouble, Boo, & Chico make every single day worth getting up for.

Sting the Agnostic

When asked about his religious beliefs in a 2011 interview with Time, Sting stated: "I'm essentially agnostic. I don't have a problem with God. I have a problem with religion. I've chosen to live my life without the certainties of religious faith. I think they're dangerous. Music is something that gives my life value and spiritual solace."

Long time coming :-)

Yes, I'm still alive. Here I sit today a full year and some weeks sober. It has been a long, humbling journey. There are so many things that I lost because of this monster inside me. I've got a long way to go yet, but I'm clear-headed in doing it. :)

&& then it's over

May 15, I got the amazing news that I was finally pregnant. The fact that my HcG levels finally rose high enough to be read on a home test was a miracle.
Now here I sit, 3 weeks later, and my baby is no longer with me. I want to yell to the skies, asking why. But I know there will be no answer, there is no one there. I guess I was too excited, too cocky that this just had to go right because everything else in my life had crashed & burned. I just don't know how to deal with yet another crisis, another miscarriage. It seems like my life is just destined to keep spiraling downward & I can't seem to get a foothold to stop it.

Life happened

Ever had something everyone said would never happen, that you'd be lucky to ever have? Well, getting this positive at-home test was mine. With both previous pregnancies, I didn't know I was pregnant until it was over. I'm still in danger of miscarrying this one, but I'm thankful for the chance I was told I'd never have.
There's so much I'm afraid to hope for, afraid to plan for, but I'm still so excited I can't barely stand it. Could it be that after all the pain & sorrow life has handed me, that I could finally be heading towards some happy days?? It's almost too good to be true.