I Would've Loved You Anyway

I keep asking myself this...if I knew then what I know now, would I have opened my heart again? Would I have given so much of myself, allowed myself to open up parts of myself that no one had ever seen, if I knew it would end like this?

The answer I'm finding myself coming to is NO. I told myself after my last failed relationship that I wouldn't put myself through that again. I said no one would ever hurt me again in that way. But, I did. I allowed myself to hope, to love, to care again. And in the end, I can blame no one but myself. I can't blame Chris, or her, or a god whom I don't believe in, or anyone else in the whole wide world...just me. If I had just said no, walked away, he would have had so many chances to make his life what he wanted so much sooner. He wouldn't have settled for second-best. I have asked myself a million times why I didn't just walk away in the beginning when I felt him pulling away. The only conclusion I can come to is that I loved him. I did. I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone else, let him deeper than anyone else has gone. Foolishly, yes.

So I take responsibility for things turning out as they have, and hoping that this time, I've really learned my lesson. I never want to feel this way again. I never want to hurt this bad ever again. I'm okay with them having my body, my respect, but never my heart. Never my soul. Never again.

I miss you a little...

I Miss You A Little

John Michael Montgomery

Sometimes a song can touch a nerve
That takes me back to you
When I pick up my old guitar
And I play your favorite tune

Every now and then, some little thing
I've buried comes bubblin' up
And once in a while, you feel close enough to touch

I miss you a little since you've been gone
A few little memories keep hangin' on
I miss you a little, I guess you could say
A little too much, a little too often
A little more every day

When I go by our old house
I pretend that you're still there
Waitin' for me on the porch
But there's just an empty chair

Wish I could see you just one more time
Before I drive away
So I could stop and go inside, and say

I miss you a little since you've been gone
A few little memories keep hangin' on
I miss you a little, I guess you could say
A little too much, a little too often

A little more every day
A little too much, a little too often
A little more every day

My Cuddle-bug

Heath is so precious. There aren't words to describe how special he is to me. I think he's more human sometimes than most humans I know. He always comes to me at the right time, especially when I'm upset. It always makes feel better when he curls up to me & puts his paws on my arm..like he's saying "it's okay, I'm here." It melts my heart every time.

No More Risks

I'm throwing up my walls
Putting out the "No Trespassing" signs
Leaving out the guard dogs
The walls are slippery, made of limestone
Grown over with thorns and briars
No one will breech the keep again
My heart can't take another attack
So I've patched up the holes with thatch
Reinforced them with cement
Wrapping it in steel
No more thinking with my heart
No more letting my emotions get involved
That's playing with fire
And just not worth the risk

&& I smile

I try so hard to push you out of my head
But my traiterous heart is still your
Biggest fan
So I try to just recall the good days
The happy times that are so far gone
They're my comfort when nothing else
In my topsy-turvy world is going right
I try to resurrect moments I've locked away
In the deep recesses of my memory
And with them, I open the floodgates
Of so many days long past
Moments I'd forgotten
Other things I'd rather never again remember
But nevertheless, I smile to myself
Because at one time, you were mine
My Prince Charming, My White Knight
You loved me for all my flaws
You soldiered me through crisis
You showed me what real love could be
And taught me not to take a single day for granted
You showed me the beauty of lands I'd never seen
Gave me the most precious gift in this world
It makes it all worth reliving again
Makes the tears and the pain all worth it
In the end...

And I smile...

In Luv Against My Will

I miss you in the small hours of the morning
When I'm awake
You're a constant actor in my dreams
Playing the gallant Knight
In my rarity of sleep
I miss you in good moments
When I want to tell someone about it
When I want to go on and on
And laugh over it
I miss you in crisis
Your arms no longer the strength
To keep the world at bay
Your low whispers aren't here to soothe me
And I must face it all on my own
I miss you when I'm in a crowded room
Or out on the beach by myself
Or at work
Or at home
I miss you against my will
Against every rationality I have
And it never seems to get any easier
The intensity doesn't die
You're still the only one holding my heart
And I can't seem to push you out

The Rabbit Hole

I sit here, wanting to be past you
Wanting to be able to let you go
Desperately wanting to end the tears
Dispel the anger
Push out the pain
Get past the fear
And live again...
But your ghost lives here
In this hollow person I've become
You haunt these halls of my heart
The corridors have grown cold
The walls hard as stone...
These days, no one can get in
Because you're in my head
So deep under my skin
I feel trapped at the mere talk
Of being with anyone
Because I'm so afraid of getting hurt
The words "I'm different" fall on deaf ears
No one else can hold me, kiss me
Without you clouding my vision
Without so many memories hitting me at once
I'm Alice, and I've fallen down the rabbit hole...
And there's no exit in sight

She Can't Be Me

Who are you?
You seem familiar but
My mind can't place you
That smile
That laugh...
Where did you come from?
Who is this girl
I see in the mirror?
We favor, she and I
The same lazy right eye
And the scar next to the left...
Those eyes are so full of hope
So full of promise...
Mine, they scream dull
So many more scars, I bear
She is unscathed
Resembles nothing of
What I've become
Shows no wear
From the years now past
She sees nothing of the future
Only hopes things will be okay
She knows nothing
Nothing of the heartache she'll face
That's not me in the mirror
Did I ever exude such hopes?
Did I ever believe in love?
Was I ever that happy?
That's wrong...she can't be me

Not Again

As the rest of the world sleeps..
Here I am, awake..
So many thoughts running
Rampant inside my head..
So much reality that's been
Shoved into my face at once..
I don't live in Neverland..
I don't live in a fantasy world..
Trusting is the task of embiciles..
Love is the disease
That preys on the soft-hearted..
It turns us into fools..
Makes us blind..
To do either one,
To allow anyone that close..
Would be the ultimate
Trip into oblivion,
Into utter stupidity..
I'm a student to the pain
Of doing otherwise..
But with each wound inflicted,
My heart becomes harder..
The stone is strengthened..
Eventually, no one will be
Able to hurt me again..

Dragons & Dreams

Today has definitely not been a walk in the park. There's been alot of crying, alot of nay-saying & regret. But tonight, while I had nothing to do at work, I stayed busy working on this. I worked so hard on it & it makes me feel very accomplished to have drawn this.

It made it better to do something that combined several of my loves; Japanesse Kanji, Chinese Art, & my love of anything Oriental. I feel less depressed, a little less lonely. For now, I'll take that small step towards being okay again.

The quote at the bottom: "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." && that's very true. I must remember that.

Stupid F'n Singles Day

I just don't know how to feel. Tomorrow is Valentines & of course, I'm alone. I want a new tattoo but $$$ is too tight for that. I'm snowed in in Harrison, & I just want to get home to my bed. This is too painful to deal with. I'm hoping that this stupid holiday will hurry up & be over with, so I can say I SURVIVED! But for tonight, I'm not sure I will.

If only bars could be

Placed on my heart

If only...

If only...

Wishful thinking

Wishful thinking

If only memories

Could be locked away

If only there was a key

To seal it all off

If only...

If only...

Wishful thinking

Wishful thinking

Bittersweet

Spent the day in Harrison, Arkansas, last Monday. Visited with a work friend and her daughter for the day. We walked around the Lake Harrison Park, and I figured that I'd post my favorites. :)

I had climbed down to take a picture of the water rushing from the pipes into the creek. Of course, Gwen would take the picture without me really being aware.

That would be me & Allie having a blast on the spinny-around thingy. :) I felt like such a little kid & it was awesome.

Allie is 16. She's an absolute gem. Spending the day with her gave me a sort of bittersweet peace. I imagine she & Alexa would have been a lot alike. It gave me a taste of what it would have been like to spend a day with both Alexa & Clay, just showing them things, loving on them.