I Would've Loved You Anyway

I keep asking myself this...if I knew then what I know now, would I have opened my heart again? Would I have given so much of myself, allowed myself to open up parts of myself that no one had ever seen, if I knew it would end like this?

The answer I'm finding myself coming to is NO. I told myself after my last failed relationship that I wouldn't put myself through that again. I said no one would ever hurt me again in that way. But, I did. I allowed myself to hope, to love, to care again. And in the end, I can blame no one but myself. I can't blame Chris, or her, or a god whom I don't believe in, or anyone else in the whole wide world...just me. If I had just said no, walked away, he would have had so many chances to make his life what he wanted so much sooner. He wouldn't have settled for second-best. I have asked myself a million times why I didn't just walk away in the beginning when I felt him pulling away. The only conclusion I can come to is that I loved him. I did. I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone else, let him deeper than anyone else has gone. Foolishly, yes.

So I take responsibility for things turning out as they have, and hoping that this time, I've really learned my lesson. I never want to feel this way again. I never want to hurt this bad ever again. I'm okay with them having my body, my respect, but never my heart. Never my soul. Never again.