&& then it's over

May 15, I got the amazing news that I was finally pregnant. The fact that my HcG levels finally rose high enough to be read on a home test was a miracle.
Now here I sit, 3 weeks later, and my baby is no longer with me. I want to yell to the skies, asking why. But I know there will be no answer, there is no one there. I guess I was too excited, too cocky that this just had to go right because everything else in my life had crashed & burned. I just don't know how to deal with yet another crisis, another miscarriage. It seems like my life is just destined to keep spiraling downward & I can't seem to get a foothold to stop it.

Life happened

Ever had something everyone said would never happen, that you'd be lucky to ever have? Well, getting this positive at-home test was mine. With both previous pregnancies, I didn't know I was pregnant until it was over. I'm still in danger of miscarrying this one, but I'm thankful for the chance I was told I'd never have.
There's so much I'm afraid to hope for, afraid to plan for, but I'm still so excited I can't barely stand it. Could it be that after all the pain & sorrow life has handed me, that I could finally be heading towards some happy days?? It's almost too good to be true.

Obsessed with being okay

Like A Rock Star!

My escape when it all gets too much :)

Easter baskets we did for the kids :) I've gotten so into pictures

That would be Marley...he makes me miss my Jake so much

My Lizabeth

Nattie Paige :)

One of our adorable babies :) He's a demon awake, but I caught him in a sweet moment lol

Ryleigh :)

Thought this one turned out pretty good

The new pink streak ;) I'm gettin sexier everyday lol yea whatev but the new look makes me feel better

Blowing up things :)

So I've been back in LA for almost a month now. I wasn't in town for 48 hours before almost having my head blown off by explosive things in a box we threw on the fire :) O lord, yea. I totally should've looked in the box before throwing it on. LOL

Working on getting into some counseling. It's still a day-to-day struggle to keep myself positive, but I'm working on it.

Pin Cushions & Voodoo Dolls

This is #15. Love is just an excuse to get hurt, Life isn't a fairytale. Like the voodoo doll? It was done by a newbie tattoo artist before I left Missouri. I was happy to let her test out on me, & I was just dying for some ink. I think she did friggin amazing for it being her very FIRST tattoo!

Rehab

Today is one more day closer to my going back to Monroe. Sunday is my last day in Missouri/Arkansas. I'm going to miss the scenery, the hiking trails, the beauty of the land. But my alcoholism has taken over. I've tried for years to beat it on my own, to tame it. With my emotional triggers, it's been hard to stay sober for longer than several months in a four year span. It's just time I hand over control for a little while.

I'll be entering rehab soon, for a year-long treatment it's looking like. So, for my readers, few & far between, just cross your fingers. Say a few mantras & ask the Enlightened One for my healing. I'm going to beat this for good. I don't want to be dealing with all this emotional trauma for the rest of my life. I have 24 years of skeletons to work through. I'll stay writing for as long as I can, but it'll be short-lived. Sending out positive thoughts into the universe for all of you.

I Would've Loved You Anyway

I keep asking myself this...if I knew then what I know now, would I have opened my heart again? Would I have given so much of myself, allowed myself to open up parts of myself that no one had ever seen, if I knew it would end like this?

The answer I'm finding myself coming to is NO. I told myself after my last failed relationship that I wouldn't put myself through that again. I said no one would ever hurt me again in that way. But, I did. I allowed myself to hope, to love, to care again. And in the end, I can blame no one but myself. I can't blame Chris, or her, or a god whom I don't believe in, or anyone else in the whole wide world...just me. If I had just said no, walked away, he would have had so many chances to make his life what he wanted so much sooner. He wouldn't have settled for second-best. I have asked myself a million times why I didn't just walk away in the beginning when I felt him pulling away. The only conclusion I can come to is that I loved him. I did. I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone else, let him deeper than anyone else has gone. Foolishly, yes.

So I take responsibility for things turning out as they have, and hoping that this time, I've really learned my lesson. I never want to feel this way again. I never want to hurt this bad ever again. I'm okay with them having my body, my respect, but never my heart. Never my soul. Never again.

I miss you a little...

I Miss You A Little

John Michael Montgomery

Sometimes a song can touch a nerve
That takes me back to you
When I pick up my old guitar
And I play your favorite tune

Every now and then, some little thing
I've buried comes bubblin' up
And once in a while, you feel close enough to touch

I miss you a little since you've been gone
A few little memories keep hangin' on
I miss you a little, I guess you could say
A little too much, a little too often
A little more every day

When I go by our old house
I pretend that you're still there
Waitin' for me on the porch
But there's just an empty chair

Wish I could see you just one more time
Before I drive away
So I could stop and go inside, and say

I miss you a little since you've been gone
A few little memories keep hangin' on
I miss you a little, I guess you could say
A little too much, a little too often

A little more every day
A little too much, a little too often
A little more every day

My Cuddle-bug

Heath is so precious. There aren't words to describe how special he is to me. I think he's more human sometimes than most humans I know. He always comes to me at the right time, especially when I'm upset. It always makes feel better when he curls up to me & puts his paws on my arm..like he's saying "it's okay, I'm here." It melts my heart every time.

No More Risks

I'm throwing up my walls
Putting out the "No Trespassing" signs
Leaving out the guard dogs
The walls are slippery, made of limestone
Grown over with thorns and briars
No one will breech the keep again
My heart can't take another attack
So I've patched up the holes with thatch
Reinforced them with cement
Wrapping it in steel
No more thinking with my heart
No more letting my emotions get involved
That's playing with fire
And just not worth the risk

&& I smile

I try so hard to push you out of my head
But my traiterous heart is still your
Biggest fan
So I try to just recall the good days
The happy times that are so far gone
They're my comfort when nothing else
In my topsy-turvy world is going right
I try to resurrect moments I've locked away
In the deep recesses of my memory
And with them, I open the floodgates
Of so many days long past
Moments I'd forgotten
Other things I'd rather never again remember
But nevertheless, I smile to myself
Because at one time, you were mine
My Prince Charming, My White Knight
You loved me for all my flaws
You soldiered me through crisis
You showed me what real love could be
And taught me not to take a single day for granted
You showed me the beauty of lands I'd never seen
Gave me the most precious gift in this world
It makes it all worth reliving again
Makes the tears and the pain all worth it
In the end...

And I smile...

In Luv Against My Will

I miss you in the small hours of the morning
When I'm awake
You're a constant actor in my dreams
Playing the gallant Knight
In my rarity of sleep
I miss you in good moments
When I want to tell someone about it
When I want to go on and on
And laugh over it
I miss you in crisis
Your arms no longer the strength
To keep the world at bay
Your low whispers aren't here to soothe me
And I must face it all on my own
I miss you when I'm in a crowded room
Or out on the beach by myself
Or at work
Or at home
I miss you against my will
Against every rationality I have
And it never seems to get any easier
The intensity doesn't die
You're still the only one holding my heart
And I can't seem to push you out

The Rabbit Hole

I sit here, wanting to be past you
Wanting to be able to let you go
Desperately wanting to end the tears
Dispel the anger
Push out the pain
Get past the fear
And live again...
But your ghost lives here
In this hollow person I've become
You haunt these halls of my heart
The corridors have grown cold
The walls hard as stone...
These days, no one can get in
Because you're in my head
So deep under my skin
I feel trapped at the mere talk
Of being with anyone
Because I'm so afraid of getting hurt
The words "I'm different" fall on deaf ears
No one else can hold me, kiss me
Without you clouding my vision
Without so many memories hitting me at once
I'm Alice, and I've fallen down the rabbit hole...
And there's no exit in sight

She Can't Be Me

Who are you?
You seem familiar but
My mind can't place you
That smile
That laugh...
Where did you come from?
Who is this girl
I see in the mirror?
We favor, she and I
The same lazy right eye
And the scar next to the left...
Those eyes are so full of hope
So full of promise...
Mine, they scream dull
So many more scars, I bear
She is unscathed
Resembles nothing of
What I've become
Shows no wear
From the years now past
She sees nothing of the future
Only hopes things will be okay
She knows nothing
Nothing of the heartache she'll face
That's not me in the mirror
Did I ever exude such hopes?
Did I ever believe in love?
Was I ever that happy?
That's wrong...she can't be me

Not Again

As the rest of the world sleeps..
Here I am, awake..
So many thoughts running
Rampant inside my head..
So much reality that's been
Shoved into my face at once..
I don't live in Neverland..
I don't live in a fantasy world..
Trusting is the task of embiciles..
Love is the disease
That preys on the soft-hearted..
It turns us into fools..
Makes us blind..
To do either one,
To allow anyone that close..
Would be the ultimate
Trip into oblivion,
Into utter stupidity..
I'm a student to the pain
Of doing otherwise..
But with each wound inflicted,
My heart becomes harder..
The stone is strengthened..
Eventually, no one will be
Able to hurt me again..

Dragons & Dreams

Today has definitely not been a walk in the park. There's been alot of crying, alot of nay-saying & regret. But tonight, while I had nothing to do at work, I stayed busy working on this. I worked so hard on it & it makes me feel very accomplished to have drawn this.

It made it better to do something that combined several of my loves; Japanesse Kanji, Chinese Art, & my love of anything Oriental. I feel less depressed, a little less lonely. For now, I'll take that small step towards being okay again.

The quote at the bottom: "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." && that's very true. I must remember that.

Stupid F'n Singles Day

I just don't know how to feel. Tomorrow is Valentines & of course, I'm alone. I want a new tattoo but $$$ is too tight for that. I'm snowed in in Harrison, & I just want to get home to my bed. This is too painful to deal with. I'm hoping that this stupid holiday will hurry up & be over with, so I can say I SURVIVED! But for tonight, I'm not sure I will.

If only bars could be

Placed on my heart

If only...

If only...

Wishful thinking

Wishful thinking

If only memories

Could be locked away

If only there was a key

To seal it all off

If only...

If only...

Wishful thinking

Wishful thinking

Bittersweet

Spent the day in Harrison, Arkansas, last Monday. Visited with a work friend and her daughter for the day. We walked around the Lake Harrison Park, and I figured that I'd post my favorites. :)

I had climbed down to take a picture of the water rushing from the pipes into the creek. Of course, Gwen would take the picture without me really being aware.

That would be me & Allie having a blast on the spinny-around thingy. :) I felt like such a little kid & it was awesome.

Allie is 16. She's an absolute gem. Spending the day with her gave me a sort of bittersweet peace. I imagine she & Alexa would have been a lot alike. It gave me a taste of what it would have been like to spend a day with both Alexa & Clay, just showing them things, loving on them.

Go With The Ripples

The surface of the water

So placid, so calm

Unmoving, unchanging

Then comes the rain

Slowly at first, one drop at a time

Disturbing the surface

Causing one ripple, then another

And another

Until the calm of the lake

Is a distant memory

It's alive with the different rings

Each halfed by a new one

The World Anew

Love is a poison
And the recovery is like a snakebite
Excrucuating
Love is brutal, encompassing
Beautiful for a time
It covers your eyes
In rose-colored classes
And when they are ripped off
The world is a much different place

&& the moon fell

Thunder rolls, foreboding
Lightning fills the sky
With its heady show
The waters churn madly
Like an angry Poseidon stirring
The depths with his Trident
Winds howl through the trees
Uprooting the dying and dilapidated
No flowers can grow here
In this packed sandy soil
The stars can't be seen
Through the thick clouds overhead
And the moon...
Well, the moon fell

Come In With The Rain

It's aweful wet and gloomy out today.
I have tried finding just a friend to hang out with. I've tried really hard. They're all ending up being guys, ironically they keep being named Chris..I groan every time that comes up. Yesterday, I told one I was changing his name.
They all want a relationship. I DON'T! I am so opposed to that idea, I can hardly stand the thought of it. I just want a friend. Why is that so hard to comprehend? I'm doing so much better on my own. I'm figuring myself out, getting comfortable in my own skin. Emotional attatchments aren't worth the complications. Besides, they would just be a stand-in for him. That's not fair to anyone.
It seems like the sun is starting to come out. I might go & try to get some pictures before work. Tootles.

Let It Rain

Monday was my day off, so I decided to have an adventure. :) I hiked down into the sink of the Ruth & Paul Henning Conservation Area up off Shepherd of the Hills & Hwy 76.

The terrain was beautiful. I hung upside down over a canyon with my legs hooked around a tree, trying desperately to get a good picture of a waterfall. I climbed down a very unstable ravine into a gulch to catch another waterfall, and man was it worth it!

I strung up my hammock along the creek bed. I took extra time "chasing rabbits", going off the trail to climb trees and hang off ledges. It was awesome! It felt really good to get out by myself, enjoy the scenery. When I get to work, and have internet access, I'll add some of the other great shots I got. :)

Here we go :)

Natural steps etched out of the rocks

Very romantic :)

I thought they looked like Pterodactyl wings without all the flesh...wierd, yes, i know

SERIOUSLY!?!? What about this beautiful tree says "stick your gum on my trunk"??? Dumb-asses

:)

Ripples

Yes, that's me, hanging upside down to get this halfway decent shot

Again

I scaled down this very unstable rock formation into the gulch. I WAS going to get that waterfall, even if it killed me. lol

Of course, my luck would be that none of the pictures turned out too good

The creek bed was dry in some places, but others were overflowing with beauty

Seee???

This one takes my breath away

I think this is supposed to be moss...but it made me think of Avatar with the weird coloring

Lake Taneycomo

This one turned out pretty good

I tried so hard to get the perfect shot of this one.

a quarter of a rainbow ;)

Took these next few pictures with my ASUS...That 5mp camera did better than I thought it would