"So glad you called.."

A few hours ago, I had every intention of making this post about my wonderful day at Silver Dollar City. But the last few hours have been another story altogether.
Tonight, I recieved a text message from a friend back home in Louisiana. He text, saying "Goodbye, I won't be here tomorrow. Just so you know whatever happens, I love you like a big sister." My heart hit my feet. I text him back and forth a few more times, when he admitted to having taken a bottle of pills, and that he was working on a second.
At this point, I was stunned. All I could think to do was call anyone in my phonebook who might know the address to his house. When I finally got his address, I called 911. The dispatch here in Missouri looked up the number for the PD in Rayville where he lives. I called them. They dispatched an officer out to his house. He was rushed to the hospital, in critical condition.
What if I had been like all the rest of his friends that just said "it's typical Robbie, he's just bluffing, wanting attention"? I wouldn't have been able to live with myself when I got that phone call tomorrow, saying he'd overdosed. I don't know how anyone else could have reacted any different? I don't understand.
Suicide is a serious thing. I've been there, and it's a real sickness. You just want to stop hurting, and it's not necessarily that you want to die, you just want the pain to go away. I think that's why he text me. He didn't want to die, he just wanted to stop the overwhelming pain that was eating him up inside.

More to scratch off...

Tonight, I crossed off 3 more things from my bucket list...
I went to the Rowdy Beaver to watch the Saints vs Falcons game.
Of course, I'm not a football fan, but I figured I could pretend I knew what was going on. Julio played a great game, and Brees broke the great Dan Marino's passing record.
After the game, there was karaoke. I've been to plenty of places over the years that had karaoke, but I've always chickened out. But tonight I conquered my fear! I sang Pam Tillis' "Spilled Perfume", Lorrie Morgan's "Good As I Was To You", & Reba's "For My Broken Heart". It was so fun.
This guy bought me a beer. I hate beer, but I'd never had a guy buy me a drink. So I let him. But then he tried to convince me that he was what I was missing in my life, and I shut him down fast. Men are not on my list right now. I thanked him for the drink and the twirl around the dance floor. I'd never done that either, but I wish it'd been my snowflake. So many times, I wish it could have been him.
But I had fun. It was a night of firsts of me, and it was awesome!

Succeeding by myself...

I always cry when I watch his video. But it's never sad tears. It always motivates me toward more, and I needed that. I'd fallen into this sad woe-is-me pity party over the last few days, & I can't do that. I've done such a good job focusing on myself this last month, & I went & ruined it. O well, in the words of Sixx AM "it's not your whole life, it's only one day". I'm going to get comfortable with being alone if it kills me. I don't need to rely on anyone but myself. In the end, that's all I've got.

JANUARY CHALLENGE
Zipline Adventure! & Crocheting a successful piece of clothing (shirt, hat, etc. NO SCARVES)

FEBRUARY CHALLENGE
New tat (design in the works)--take my hammock out to the campgrounds--hike to completion the Conservation trail.

MARCH CHALLENGE
Concert in Kansas City, by myself. No safety nets, just me. Josh Turner on the 1st.

I reserve the right to add to it. :)

I loved him like I've never loved anyone before. Even after all of my things were out of the house, walking in still felt like coming home. I've never felt that way about anywhere else. I can't go back. He is so happy now, and I'm so glad he is. I told him that someday I hoped some woman made him feel all weak in the knees, giddy,butterflies, tied all in knots; just the way he made me feel. Everyone deserves to have that. And I hope he does find it. Don't mistake my words for malice. I'm one of those people that believes real love isn't selfish. And even if I could go back, even if I could turn back time, he never would've been happy.
Maybe, once the holidays are over, it will be easier to block it all out. I hope so. I know I'm going to get past this, it's just going to take time.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

So very true :)

YouTube Knowledge

You can literally learn how to do anything on YouTube! From applying makeup in the latest styles to learning a new crochet stitch! My poison of choice lately has been hairdo ideas. I have a new pattern for a blanket that i've been workin on, and I needed to refresh on a stitch. Hence Youtube!

Good Quotes

"One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks."

“We are all here for some special reason. Stop being a prisoner of your past. Become the architect of your future.” – Robin Sharma

“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon-instead of enjoying the roses blooming outside our windows today.” ~David Carnegie

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” - Steve Jobs

“If what you’re doing is not your passion, you have nothing to lose."

“20 years from now you will be disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the one’s you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover” ~ Mark Twain

Craziness in Branson

Of course, I remember the craziness of Foley the week before Cmas. Here is very much no different. People wait in line for hours to check out after hustling through a crowd of people. They probably spend the better part of an hour looking for a parking spot. It's just craziness.

Maybe my dislike for the whole fiasco stems from my previously people-phobic ways. But it just seems pointless, when you could've just as easily made the gift, or went shopping well before Cmas. O well.

Among other crazy things, I got a ticket with pit passes on the ground floor to go see Josh Turner in Kansas City on Mar 1, all by myself. It will def be a test of my boundaries, but I'm ready to face it. Wish I'd conquered that phobia a long time ago, but no more shoulda-coulda-wouldas. I'm not going to be that same person anymore, seemingly scared of my own shadow. Everything I've done in the last few months has rocketed me out of my comfort zone. No use in stopping now. :)

Today was interesting :p

I knew when my battery died on my camping trip back in October, I should have bought one of those things that I could plug in and jump myself off. I really can't think of what they're called right this minute.
Anyway, I went to get in the car this afternoon to go job hunting, and of course the car wouldn't start. Last time I had to replace the battery, I had warning for about a week. Guess ole Amalee decided she wasn't going to be that nice this time. :)
I don't know anyone here that could come jump me off, so I had to call Mom. Not usually my favorite thing to do, but I had no choice. Turns out, she knew someone who lives in Harrison. I haven't seen them in years, so I was very thankful when they drove the 30 minutes to help me.
So, a $100 and a headache later, Amalee Rose is back up and running. :)

Before the end of innocence

A few days ago, I went through a spindle of CD's that I really haven't touched in years. 4 or 5 were full of old pictures & computer files from old desktops. I spent last night's uneventful time at work uploading alot of the pictures to FB. They brought back bittersweet memories. To see how we've all grown & changed, and kept changing, is surreal.
For me, it's amazing to see how my weight has fluctuated over the years. The picture I posted is from Homecoming Freshman year. I had lost so much weight I couldn't fit into my dress. I remember standing in my closet, cussing at my dresses, because they wouldn't work with me. Stupid, I know. But, at the time, I hated that when everyone else would be in elegant gowns & I'd be in casual/dressy clothes that really didn't fit either.
But now, I'd give anything to be back in those size 10 jeans. Lol. I'm on that road back to it. It'll happen. Anyway, here's to bittersweet & beautiful memories.

The Heart's Oasis

I'm having a blast working on getting my website back up and running! I haven't gotten to work with HTML in forever and it's been something else jumping back in with all the new stuff that has developed over the last several years. I found WebPlus to help with the more difficult stuff that I'm a little rusty on, and the program is GREAT!! It's a Microsoft free program, and I love it!

I've been working for the last few days on new logo designs because the old one was originally made back in '99 or '00, and needless to say, it's very outdated. Compare:

TO

I think this is the one I'll use. I've fallen in love with it. But, yes, playing around with the new gadgets and add-ons has been pretty fun here the last few days.

I officially marked off another item on the bucket list. I used to see kids at school when they'd come back from vacation somewhere, wearing shirts from touristy places to eat like Joe's Crab Shack. You do know that annoying shirt that says "Peace, Love, & Crabs" right??? Well, I wasn't quite dorky enough to buy the shirt, but I did finally get to eat there & it was delicious. It gave me that little bit of the Coast that I've been missing so much. There are literally NO good places to eat here!!! Although, I cook most nights, so it doesn't matter. Not eating out is better on the bank account anyway. :)

Children's Footprints

Some children come into our lives and go quickly,
Some children come into our lives and stay awhile.
All our children come into our lives and leave footprints --
Some oh so small;
Some a little larger;
Some, larger still,
But all have left their footprints on our lives; in our hearts,
And we will never, never be the same.
~Doreen Sexton

Buy or Not To Buy??

I've only been fooling around with the Stock Market for a few months, and alot of it is still very foreign to me. Most of the stuff I have bought into are big companies that were selling really low such as Build-A-Bear, Sirius XM Radio, Gaiam, & LiveDeal. I haven't really had much of a return on these investments, but the Markets have been really bad here lately.
I logged on tonight & guess what?!?! My stocks had jumped $10!! No, you're right, that's not alot but OMG it is to me!! I've probably sunk about $150 into this, and it finally looks like I might start earning a return! Well, maybe not, but it's exciting anyway. :)

Adventures in Vejle

Monday was my day off. I was so excited about Silver Dollar City!! So I got up, got dressed, and drove across town, totally stoked about riding a rollercoaster!! I love rollercoasters!! I get there, after getting lost twice, and there's a sign sitting next to the main gate: "Closed Until Thursday". :( So no rollercoaster for me. O well, so I had to find a new adventure-worthy place! :)
I drove around, thought about going to the IMAX or Tanger. Those seemed too high-maintenance. Too many tourists. So, I decided to go down to Historic Branson to The Landing. I'd never been, and it's right on the water. It's a sort've strip mall but it's kind've like an old city street. Idk how to explain it, except to say if you've ever been to Vejle, Denmark, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. :) It took me back to a time when things weren't so uncertain, and I needed that. They have so many wonderful original & franchised stores. The best part of all, it's right on the water, and there's fountains with a lightshow. I kind've felt like I'd found a new 'Happy Place'. I didn't spend much and I didn't do any serious shopping, but the whole experience was just peaceful. It felt really good. :)

 

Bucket list item #2

Since life kind've got turned upside down, I realized that I needed to start doing all the things I had either been too afraid to do or never took the time to do..too little, too late on some things though.
In October, I went camping all on my own :) I built a fire by myself & cooked supper over it & OMG it was liberating!
Tonight, I learned how to frenchbraid my own hair!!! Yes it's amazing that at 24-years-old, I finally learned how to do what most girls learned to do in nursery school!! Either way, I'm stoked!! So very proud of myself!!
Friday, I have a singing audition..a REAL singing audition!! I grew up singing on stage, in front of people. But this could actually be my major break!! It's almost euphoric!!!

I'll Never...Famous Last Words

The last few months have been...interesting. I'm finally finding my footing in this new place. I'm actually starting to enjoy coming home to my apartment. But there are still so many reminders of the past. I finally got the boxes unpacked, and stored away pictures & letters. That helped a good bit.
I have a tattoo on my left shoulder that says "I'll Never...Famous Last Words". It has rang true more times than I care to admit over the last 3 years since I got it. You would think I would learn to stop saying "never". *laugh* Maybe one day.

New Manuscript

I'm researching for this new book I'm working on. It's only a few pages in, and it's already got the wheels in my head turning.
She's a country singer with Wornicke-Korsakoff Syndrome. It's an advanced type of alcoholic dementia. She just got left at the altar for the 2nd time, and she's having to deal with an illness most don't develop until their 50's.
So far, that's all I've got but I'm excited. Now just crossing my fingers to keep one step ahead of writer's block.

IT'S SNOWING!!!

YAY! It's snowing! I'm so excited!! I haven't been this excited about such a simple little thing since maybe watching Christmas fireworks in Vejle or my triumph of setting up my own hammock the first time!! && its awesome!!
It's so beautiful!

Day 3: Facing my Fears

I'm thankful for today's realization that he is still Chris but he's not the Chris I loved, he's no longer that person, and he most likely never will be again. He's happy in his new life, & that's GREAT. Now it's my turn. I got lucky twice, finding a love that touched me deeper than the one before it. Even if I stay single for the rest of my life, happily, I can be content in knowing that I found love twice which is more than most are ever lucky enough to find.
I'm going to face my fear of heights, go down a zipline, ride rollercoasters, dye my hair crazy colors, get more tattoos, & just live my life. I can't be scared anymore. No more taking things lying down.

DAY 2: Angel Babies

Today I'm thankful for 2 precious angels that were kept from the pains of this world. That doesn't mean I don't wish they were with me every day, but the situations into which they were conceived would have made for miserable childhoods. This smidgen of comfort is what I'm thankful for.

RIP Alexabeth Catharine Marie & Clayton Roman

Day 1: Bedsheets

I'm a month late for this game but o well..This is my turn to play the Thankful Game..
I'm thankful for bedsheets that may be older than I am but remind me of my grandparents' house, instead of the others that have so many memories that I just don't need extra help remembering right now. I'm thankful they were waiting at the bottom of that box just for this moment.

My babies

High high up in the sky :-)

Lots of wierd dreams lately, culminating from the different things I've had running through my head. Most are sad, but one I was on a zipline over a rainforest & it felt so real! I can almost smell the trees. Thinking I might try and conquer my fear of heights on one of these local ziplines.

What do i do with me...

"What do I do now that I'm on my own
What we did together beats anything I've done alone
since the day that you left, I've been askin myself
Is this how it's gonna be?
Without you, what do I do with me?...
Without you, where do I go, where do I turn? I'd sure like to know
And what do I do with all of our plans and how do I spend all this time on my hands..
Without you, what do I do with me."
~Tanya Tucker "What Do I Do With Me"

Tonight...

Seriously, I hate blogger on my phone b/c it never saves the novel of a post I spent so much time on. Glad I have the tablet at work tonight. Maybe that was my cue that what I was writing was too emotional for right now. I'm missing him so much tonight, and it thoroughly sucks.

"You feel like your fallin backwards,
Like your slippin through the cracks..
..You walk outside and all you see is rain,
You look inside and all you see is pain
And you can't see it now..
..But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holdin on"
-from "One Day You Will" by Lady Antebellum

"Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger"
-from "A Little Bit Stronger" by Sara Evans

"All the things I've felt and never shared
All the times that she was lonely with me there
Tears I wouldn't let fall from my eyes
And how I let her go without a fight

The reasons I'm alone, I know by heart
But I don't wanna spend forever in the dark
I swear next time I'll hang on for dear life
If love ever gives me another try

There's no changing things that we regret
The best that we can hope for is one more chance
If the hands of time could just move in reverse
I wouldn't make the same mistake again with her"
-from "Another Try" by Josh Turner ft. Trisha Yearwood

Clutter & such

I'm off on Sunday, and it's high time I tackle these boxes that graced my living room several weeks ago. I've been so consumed by everything that I've put it off. I guess since it was way too emotional packing it all up, I've been hesitant to do more than unpack clothes. I did try one box & that was a bust lol. So, I guess its high time for another try.

Paws of Trouble

I had a small kitten adopt me a few weeks back. I already have two cats that are super important to me here, and one back home in AL. It was a 20degree night, so I let him inside. He's a rambunctious little shit that gets into everything, and he has more energy than I know what to do with! So, appropriately, I named him Trouble. Last night, I'd had a particularly hard time with things. He came over to me and just put his paw on my arm, like he was saying "It's okay."